I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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