I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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