also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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