they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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