remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
