Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
