there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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