I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
