Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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