Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
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On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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