Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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