Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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