seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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