Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
