i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
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he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
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Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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