Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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