just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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