Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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