well I can't set my house on fire every night
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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