I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
