Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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