We named our party play list daddy issues
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
they're like a gay fantastic four
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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