His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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