Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
