did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
