I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
