u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
