why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
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