Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
