I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.