I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
