I accidentally had phone sex last night
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
