All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
