is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
