kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
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and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
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I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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