I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Everyone says I win the strip club
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
