my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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