life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
