Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
