hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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