17 year olds will be the death of me.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Let's get the cat blown out
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Randomize
