$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
