My friends, they love my intelligence
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
