i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
