I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
