you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You were trust falling into bushes
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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