I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
