im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Panties = found
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize