I wish I could teleport
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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