4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
