were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
