I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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