Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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