John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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