I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
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I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
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FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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