Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
