a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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